The DC Metro

I know people have been getting fired for what they have been posting on blogs, and though I do consider that while I write this, I am still weighing the need for education, and I know I am someone who can help.

Let's begin-
Riding the metro is daunting not becuase it is a difficult system, and not because a lot of people ride (because you think orange line toward vienna is crowded - try the 7 local train into manhattan any day of the week!), nor is it because of anything else - its because people are just plain ol' vanilla DUMB.
Example, people have a hard time moving into the train. Ok, so you have a mental aversion to it. And maybe you are not tall enough to grab the top bar that goes down the center of the train. But how when your with, your-I'm-going-on-a-365-backpacking-tour backpack, your lap top bag, your bad for your shoes (because you dont know how to walk long distances in heels), and your purse take up space for about 3 grown people and then you strategically place yourself in the middle of EVERYTHING. Now, a sane person would put a bag between their legs, or pull something to the front to make up for the width of 20 sumo wrestlers because of all your crap, but no, you decide to stand in the middle of everything. Great job! You must have been a straight A student.
Next let's talk about how to hold onto a bar. This is another problem that plagues the DC metro system. Like I said before, the trains aren't that crowded, sorry to burst your very important personal bubble, but get a grip. So when you board the train and then you decide where you are going to stand do everybody a favor and don't support your entire being on that poll. What you do by strattling the poll is fuck up everyone else on the train. Four people can comfortably and without touching stand at the same poll. But by you taking up the poll to yourself, not only do you look like a jackass hugging a poll, but you also make life much more difficult for everyone else in any vincinity of your annoying ass. Now, if you are hugging the poll because you cannot read a book/paper/magazine, then you are a complete idiot. You have no right being on the train let alone the face of this earth. It also means that you have no concept of balance and that a newborn child who cannot even support the weight of its head has more balance than you. Listen carefully, hold it in one hand. When you need to turn the page, bring the hand that is holding reading material close the hand that's on the poll and then turn the page, return your hand with the reading material close to your face because only someone with crossed eyes like yourself cannot figure this out on your own.
And this brings me to finally, you the one who is way more important than any other person on the entire public transportation system. I understand because you are so important that when your personal driver doesn't show up for work...ie drive you to your palace, that's right because you're a princess, that can make anyone aggitated. But alas, deal with it. When I am getting on the train I am calculating space, number of people, the amount of stuff I am carrying and therefore decide where I am going to stand or sit. Now if you rush this sensitive calculation you are screwed because that means I am going to then add on a little something just for ya. Yes, that's right, where can I go to make you the most annoyed. So when you huff and puff about me taking too long to get on the train and then you see me staring at you and mouth Attitude Problem? or Go Fuck Yourself? or What the Fuck is your Problem? or What the Fuck? you now know its me. Also watch out you fuckers who wear flip flops because that's like honey to a bee. I will hone in on your unprotected feet with the force of Hurricane Katrina, and then go "heehee whoops" when I crush your pointer toe under my kitten heal. Yes, that's correct, I can wear heals on my commute!

So now I feel a little bit better, bringing knowledge to those who didn't have any. And I encourage you to incorporate these changes into your daily commuting life. Because I know I have. I have been cursed at and all the other things until the light was shown upon me from above and I realized that it was I who was stupid and ignorant and blind to the unspoken code of conduct. And rest assured that I will not cease to point out who is being an idiot and how they can fornicate with themselves until everyone knows how to ride the metro in peace.


Do you like the picture from Australia? It's very pretty -